Artists and scribes through the ages have celebrated the wonders of the Muses, those supernatural beings who bring us inspiration and cause us to create things that are clearly too brilliant to have come from us alone. But there’s a darker being that is never discussed, at least directly. And that is an imp that I have come to know as the Anti-Muse.

Last summer I had a window of opportunity to devote a large amount of time to my current novel, and I challenged myself to finally finishing the first draft. I could have done it. I know I could have – I’ve done marathon writing sessions in the past. But for some reason my Anti-Muse was particularly strong, so much so – and so obviously so – I started keeping track of all the things this Anti-Muse tried to do to sabotage my writing efforts.

Below, directly from my scribbled notes, is the internal dialog I had with this little demon. And so, writing along … or simply staring at the blank white page … these voices would pop into my head, followed by my conscious response.

“You’re hungry!” Clearly, I am not hungry. I’m not even thirsty. “Yes you are! You’re hungry!” No I am not.

“You’re sleepy!” Not really. “Yes you are. Why don’t you go take a nap?” No.

“You have to check email!” No, I don’t.

“You have to make a list of what I’m doing to sabotage you!” I seem to have given in to this one.

“You’re cold!” I put on a robe.

“You’re hot!” I take the robe back off. Now I’m cold again.

“You have to wash dishes!” There’s only two dishes in the sink and they can wait.

“You’re horny!” So what’s new? I’m always horny. I’m a guy.

“Waa! I don’t want to work on this! Let’s go take a walk – it’s beautiful outside.” No.

“You have to get up and go do something.” Like what? “I don’t know, but SOMETHING.” No.

“You deserve a break. Play Mine Sweeper.” No.

“Let’s surf the Internet!” [My response to that was to turn my cable modem off.]

“What the heck is that banging noise? Go to the window and check!” It’s not important.

“You need to stop and calculate how many words you must write per day in order to achieve your goal.” No, I do not, I just need to write the freaking words!

“Ha ha! I’ve made you write more on this list than you have so far on your manuscript!” Dammit.

“You need to go to garage sales and find a more comfortable desk chair. It would help your writing.” No, it would help my writing if you would LET ME FREAKING WRITE!

“You’re REALLY sleepy.” Damn, I am. Keep going through.

“You’re horny, thirsty, sleepy, hungry, and you need a shower! AND you need to wash dishes!” I give up. I’ll take a little break.

“You are SLEEPY!” Wow, I really am. To the point of it being useless sitting here fighting it.

[After the nap, the Anti-Muse wins again, guiding me to another light meal – after which I absent-mindedly surf the Internet for 45 minutes. Then after writing for only 15 minutes I’m sleepy again.]

“Hey, why don’t we watch YouTube?” Okay, whatever, let’s watch YouTube for an hour.

“You’re sleepy again.” True, I’ve only written for 15 minutes and now I’m falling asleep in front of the keyboard.

“You need to go kiss your girlfriend!” I agree with this one. I go give my girlfriend lots of kisses.

“You need to go take pictures of the sunset!” No.

“You really need to reorganize all ten-million files in your ‘My Documents’ folder!” [I fell for this one before I realized what I was doing.]

“You must reorganize all your MP3 files.” Ugh.

It was after this that I realized keeping the list, in itself, had turned into a major distraction. But the Anti-Muse continued this campaign unabated for three straight weeks, and I did not reach my goal.

The first draft of the manuscript is still unfinished.

Is this just me? Or do you have an Anti-Muse too?

But alas, I just don’t have the time.

Here’s a shout out to them and their do-or-die spirit!  For you, here’s a line right out of most Adam Sandler films:  "You can do it!"

…except this one time.

This is from a rural cemetery in Lodi, California, a very quiet place next to a small trailer park.  When we were actually out at the cemetery taking this picture, neither my friends or I heard or saw anything unusual.   I didn’t see any lights or movement around this gravestone, nor did I realize it was leaning to one side.  Remember, it was dark out there.  We could barely see anything.  I think the shutter on my camera was open for at least 40 seconds when this picture was taken.

(Close-up scan of the same picture)

Some of my friends where skeptical when I showed this to them, because they knew I could have easily faked it.  It’s true, I could fake it.  I can even tell you how to get this exact effect.  The point is, though, that I did not fake this shot.  It is real.   If I wanted to fake a ghost photo, I would do something a lot more dramatic.

After this photo was taken, we went back to the same spot and took more photos (see below).

Nothing strange showed up in the second set of photos, nor did anything strange ever show up in any other shots I took at this cemetery.  The reason these shots were so much brighter is that there was a moon out at the time.

The above is a close up of the gravestone in the same picture.   There’s no swirls, and the stone itself is sitting squarely on its base.

I don’t know if my strange photo is actually a picture of a ghost.  I only half-believe in them.  Sometimes I do, and sometimes (when I’m in my very rational mind) I don’t.  

Nevertheless, I can’t explain my strange photo.

Now is one of those times for me.

Not depressed. Not lost. Just seemed to have drifted a bit off course and lost my focus.

I actually had to delete the whole thing and reload it from scratch. New code, new database, new version of WordPress, everything. And the fact that – as far as I can tell – all the content is still here, effortlessly imported from backups, is a gleaming example of why WordPress rocks.

“May I take your order, please?” he asked.

Before we could answer
A nude woman holding a pomegranate, with a
Bayoneted rifle slung over her shoulder
And flanked by two huge yellow and black tigers
Complained that she had been stung by a bee
And wanted her money back.

We sat for eleven minutes waiting
Then realized that ants were eating the silverware.

Saturday 10 am    Panel Room 2 (Rose/Magnolia)
Does Fantasy Mean Paranormal?
Hosted by Jerry J. Davis, Lillian Stewart Carl, Lee Killough and Nina Romberg.

Industry Pros discuss the difference between the genres of fantasy and paranormal fiction.  Are these just synonyms or are there real differences?    How does understanding the difference help you to get published?

Saturday 11 am    Panel Room 4 (Pecan)
Starting Your Own Publishing Company
Hosted by Jerry Davis, Glenn Yeffeth, and Thomas W. Knowles.

Sure … sure … everybody wants to be the writer.   But writers never get anything in print without the unsung hero of the industry – the publisher.    Industry pros discuss the career of publishing, what it takes to enter this field and what it takes to succeed.

Saturday 12 pm    Reading Room (Live Oak)
The author will be reading.

Saturday 1 pm        Panel Room 2 (Rose/Magnolia)
The Haunted City:  Urban Fantasy Today
Hosted by Rachel Caine, Jerry J. Davis, Carole Nelson Douglas, Brad Sinor, and Lee Killough

Industry pros discuss the urban fantasy genre.   What makes this style essential, vital, beautiful and what needs to be paved over?    And is there any room left in this haunted city?

Sunday 12 pm        Panel Room 2 (Rose/Magnolia)    
Published in the Periodicals: The Sci-Fi/Fantasy Magazine Market
Hosted by Lou Antonelli, Jerry J. Davis, Linda Donahue, Rhonda Eudaly and J.M. McDermott

Industry pros discuss the getting published in magazines.    Who is really looking?   What are the really exciting markets?   And what can you do to maximize your chances of escaping from the slush pile?

Writing for the web: It takes less than three hours to write a good blog. It’s published instantly. You usually don’t get paid (sometimes you do, but the likelihood is minimal) but you get instant feedback over the next week or so. The gratification is instantaneous. By the next day, you’re already doing something new and equally rewarding. However, despite all this, the prestige points are so low they might even count in the negative, as the publishing world looks at blogging like it’s the contents of a rancid, slimy gutter.

Is prestige important?

Honestly?

You can’t use the argument, “Well, I write novels” (or whatever) “because I simply love writing.” Because if that is the case, you are more likely to have someone read your story if you post it online. Sending it off into the publishing thrasher … well, unless you’re already an established author (and sometimes even if you are) that manuscript may end up in the tomb of the unloved and forgotten.

So if it’s not for the prestige, why bother trying to get it into print? Why not just pop it up on a website?

I’d really like to know.

Check out all the fun stuff I’ll be doing in front of an audience:

Friday 4:00 PM, “Short Stories Got No Reason…”
I and three other writers will be giving opinions, no doubt stated as fact, about whether or not short stories are still a viable medium.

Friday 5:00 PM, “Podcasts”
How to put together podcasts for fun, profit, promotion, and self-humiliation. Interesting that I’m on this panel. I guess the fact that I’ve kludged together a couple Podcasts makes me an expert at it.

Saturday 10:00 AM, “Roswell – 60 Years of UFOs”
I have never seen a UFO, but then again, I bet no one else on the panel has either.

Saturday 7:00 PM, “Futuretech Feasibility”
Could Warp Drive be invented? Anti-gravity? Twiddle38 (Bill, aka “Aaaaaaaaaaa Puffiboomboom”) and I will be two of the guys giving the bird’s eye low-down on this bit of crystal ball gazing.

Sunday 11:00 AM “Autographs”
Yes, you read that right. You can come get my autograph. Are you excited or what?

Sunday 1:00 PM, “Face-Off: The Difference Between Male and Female Writers”
This is going to be fun. Two guy writers, two gal writers, a big vat of pudding, and NERF weapons.

So come on down! After dark you’ll no doubt see me wandering around drunk off my ass.